Be a better stripper! (Or learn to think like one!)

Buy our book!

Yes, all those years of giving advice and getting it right are finally, finally, yours for the taking! Just CLICK HERE, or on the picture, and you can buy your very own copy of our AMAZING SELF-HELP MIRACLE, 51 TIPS FOR STRIPPERS.

It’s available in paperback, for your Kindle, for you NOOK, and even on iTunes. Just CLICK and it’s YOURS! Could it BE any easier?

Starbucks: HALF!

Hey, Starbucks. HEY! Got a little lesson for you. A lesson in fractions, geometry, and geography.

I like to have an Americano in a tall cup with a lot of room. “A lot of room” means a lot of room for milk. Lots of room. So when I say, “I would like my Americano half full,” I do not mean three-quarters full. I do not mean leave a little bit at the top. I mean — check me on this — HALF. But I’ve gone into many, many, many, MANY Starbucks…es … around this great country of ours, and I’ve found that in all of them — all of them – 3/4 is accepted as a half!

It is not. It’s not!

I know you boys out there have a little trouble with inches sometimes. For some reason you think three or four, or at most four and a half, if you’re REALLY excited is more like, I don’t know … nine. 

It’s not. Trust me. You’re not fooling anyone.

And barristas — you should know better! I expect you to know better! Because when I go in for my tall Americano in a grande cup, I expect it to be HALF FULL.

Look it up!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the coffee at Starbucks. And they have great snacks and their coffee is TOTALLY loaded with caffeine and that’s fantastic. It really is!!!

But HALF, people! Half! HALF!!!

These are a few of my least favorite things

Today, I’m sick and tired of trying to solve other people’s problems. I have tons of problems of my own. Like … I hurt my thumb. That’s a problem.

Also: how come the other people keep dancing to my song? That’s my song.

And I got a parking ticket.

You know what else frustrates me? Nipple hair. Why do women even get nipple hair? It doesn’t make any sense. Men have it. Women shouldn’t have it … unless their boyfriends or husbands need to floss their teeth, but … still.

And what is with all these girls getting sick and coughing all over my face?

Think about it: who invented the high heel? A man, I’m sure. Why would you want to squish your five toes into something tiny, triangular, and small? It’s painful!

And everyone keeps wanting to borrow my tampons! Gross!

Additionally .. I’m sick of dancers wanting to borrow my shoes. Who else wears a size 11 ½?

Also: Last Tuesday the music in the club was TOO LOUD, so I had to dig out a pair of earplugs from the bottom of my tiny purse and put them in my ears, and then I got an ear infection from them, and I had to go down to the clinic, and all the money I made that day I spent on the frickin’ antibiotics. And now I have to eat a lot of yogurt.

Why is it okay for a man to be topless, but a woman who’s topless is obscene? It’s so unfair. (And there are some men that just shouldn’t be topless. Really, now.)

Why do girls bring their dogs into the strip clubs? Those poor dogs. Who knows what they could catch?

What is the Q-U thing in Scrabble? Why doesn’t it just come with the letters together? It’s ridiculous. And there are like sixteen Q’s and only two U’s. What?

Why is that some strippers have their own names tattooed on their own body? Are they going to forget? Are they going to get turned into the Lost and Found? Besides, when they look at themselves in the mirror, it’s going to be backwards anyway. Duh!

And one more final thing: when you’re sitting at the stage, don’t text your mother. Oh my God, it’s uncomfortable for everyone!

Okay. I feel better now.

Hooters vs. Strippers

No matter what you might hear, there isn’t any rivalry between Hooter girls and strippers. Mostly we just feel sorry for them. True, they used to have to serve their food on roller skates, and they haven’t had to do that since, like, 1942 … but still, it’s so sad! They have to wear the same outfit all the time!

Actually, they just wear too many clothes, period.

They’re not even allowed to do lapdances there. That’s really sad. You get groped by some guy with chicken wing finger spots all over his hands and you don’t even get to do a lap dance? There’s no compensation!

They don’t even have poles on their tables. How boring!

Plus, they’re only allowed to work 8 hours a day. How can you make any money working only 8 hours a day? They’re not even independent contractors! Women have worked long and hard to be independent. Haven’t they heard of Woman’s Suffrage? They’re taking us backwards!

Can you imagine having to serve food to the general public? Yuck.

They’re not even allowed to be creative and express themselves like real strippers can, with our outfits and our music and performance. They’re all the same. When you think about it, they’re actually kind of creepy in a way – like clones. And clones are just a step away from zombies.

So there’s no rivalry between us. We just finish what they started.